Drops in the Ocean

IMG_4826The last two weeks have been harder than I’d like to admit.  Heart break, anxiety, confusion, blah, blah, blah.  Lacking the clarity to connect the only image that came to mind in my attempts to consult the Universe was water drops in the ocean… moving up, down, back and forth… and me being in a boat watching them all.  So for the last two weeks I feel like I’ve been in a small boat on the open ocean…. and that gives one a…. lot…. of…. time…. to…. think.

Life as a water droplet in the ocean or even as the observer in the boat, begins over time to seem almost meaningless.  Love, loss, excitement and depression take on a level of stillness when you watch the fluctuations of it all.  In the boat as the observer, water drops identifying with ANYthing seems delusional.  As a drop in the ocean, the movement of energy in and around you can seem like too much so you give it meaning.  It wasn’t until a dear friend/healer let me rant for an hour about the “why” of it all that things became a whole lot clearer.

In the past I would have projected “stillness” to be peaceful with a beautiful Bodhicitta smile.  I wanted all the things I have sought in my spiritual journey (peace, contentment, etc.) to feel “good”.  When I gave myself permission to realize that maybe stillness instead feels like walking into a room of fluctuations, being taken aback and saying “fuuuuuck” things finally shifted.  The “why” was really my resistance to things being as they are, doing what they do.  A level of calm came as I realized I’d been a water droplet trying too hard and all too eager to disassociate back into the boat.  My own agenda of “spreading love and light” in retrospect was a desire to control, be appreciated and feel good.

After two weeks on the oceans of life my call to other droplets would be: With all your best intentions your kindness may be taken as manipulation, your compassion as indifference and your love as conditional.  The power in your being here is your presence as a droplet and as a boatman in an ocean of boats….. no trying, no doing… just BEing.

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