Sometimes a speech from a guy with two puppets on his hands makes all the sense in the world….
Non-violent communication was a known concept to me but like all key bits of understanding there was a wall, a rock bottom from which to stand upon and then all that Mr. Rosenberg was conveying made sense to my experience.
I thought, as someone who’s entire day was focused on loving, that my style of communication carried the same intent. As of late my relationships with others had taken such a strange turn that I found myself in and out of love interest, in and out of jobs, in and out of housing and ALONE nearly every non-working moment. What I felt in my heart was obviously not coming through. Why?
I stopped listening to people and what they need. Who they are and where they’re going mattered less and my fantastical imaginings of what I had to offer, teach and share with them took paramount. I was subconsciously projecting my unacknowledged needs on to others and turning my “loving intentions” into violent acts of desperation.
I was not clear with what I needed. Priding myself on honesty stemmed from my perceptions about myself while internally my list of needs felt so long and so unfulfilled that it seeped like a heavy fog out of my energy field. I was too familiar with rejection to feel comfortable to ask or even to tap into what I really wanted. My singsong openness made other feel skeptical of my intent and words. I felt like a sheep in wolves clothing (or jackal and giraffe in Rosenberg terms). Through the repression of my violent nature and identification with the pains of misunderstanding I became the opposite of what I was trying to create.
From the wise words of Matt Kahn, Marshall Rosenberg and communication gurus of the past… getting clear is step one! Figure out what You want by trial, inquiry and talking to the shadow parts of yourself that have felt unheard. Facilitate others identification and communication of what they want as well. Listen, ask questions, accept and appreciate what their hearts say…. and most importantly…. LOVE whatever arrises.
for more information on non-violent communication by Marshall Rosenberg:
for more information on heart based communication by Matt Kahn: